So you think you can empathize with someone going through IVF? Maybe
you held your best friend's hand as she went through the madness.
Spoke to her in her deepest lows about adoption or what if's? You
cried with her before and during treatments. Being an IVF patient myself, there are just a few things that when said can be quite hurtful. I know that people love me and none of this is meant to
hurt me, but I am here to help others out there.
The best thing to say to someone embarking or in the middle of IVF is nothing. Just be there to listen and be genuine. A listening ear and and open mind is the best thing a person can offer. This is what you should say: "Do you need me?" or "I am here if you want to talk."
Here is my personal list of what not to say to a woman going through IVF.
1. "Relax and it will happen." This is what I think immediately after I hear this: "relax? I guess I can't talk to you... because no, it may not happen." I immediately start preparing myself for the worst in my head as I smile and say thank you. I start resenting the fact that you told me to relax. As if I am unable to in your eyes. I don't know why, but I guess I am trying to protect myself. I've been very relaxed in the past 18 months and tests show that it won't happen naturally. Understand that I am in a moment of the "unknown," hormonal on fertility drugs and you saying this to me could actually be hurtful.
2. Recommend or ask about adoption. If I wanted to adopt, we would not be putting ourselves through all of this in the first place. Asking about adoption feels as if you are trying to come up with a solution to a problem you know nothing about. It also makes me feel as though you don't think what I am doing is right or worth it. This in turn makes me not want to talk to you.
3. Oh god! All I have to do is look at my husband and I get pregnant. Congratulations! Here's your Mickey Mouse badge. Now please leave! I have a sneaking suspicion these woman KNOW how hurtful this comment is and they just don't care. This comment is worse the a sucker punch to the gut!
4. Complain about your own kids, or worse, offer one up as a joke. This has surprisingly happened to me more than I wish to admit. "Are you sure you are up for this?" is asked as their toddler climbs all over them. As if it is just so hard on them to be a mom. A MOM! WHAT I WANT TO BE. Now I get it, kids are hard. But remind yourself and refrain from complaining about being a mom around someone who is trying so hard to become one.
Offering to give the person one of your children as a joke is just awful and not funny to an IVF patient.
5. God has a plan. Just don’t! We can all find reason and lessons in the things that happen to us, but it’s not for anyone else to tell me. Unless you have a direct line to God and he told you, in his OWN words, his plan for me, then don’t tell me God has a plan. Tell me “this may make sense one day down the line,” because it may. But it also may not. It may just be a shitty few years J and I will have to write off as the dark infertility years.
Again, if you genuinely want to be there for us, we would love to hear any of these:
"I am here for you."
"If you ever want to vent, I am a listening ear."
"If you ever need someone to be there at an appointment, I would be happy to be there with you."
"I can't imagine what you are going through, but I'd love to hear all about it if you are ever up for it."
And actually be there! I find that I get ignored a lot. Infertility makes people uncomfortable so sometimes people don't ask how I'm doing or how I'm feeling or if I need anything simply because they're too uncomfortable to talk about the subject. If you have been chosen to know about our infertility struggles you have been chosen because you are special to us and we need you.
The best thing to say to someone embarking or in the middle of IVF is nothing. Just be there to listen and be genuine. A listening ear and and open mind is the best thing a person can offer. This is what you should say: "Do you need me?" or "I am here if you want to talk."
Here is my personal list of what not to say to a woman going through IVF.
1. "Relax and it will happen." This is what I think immediately after I hear this: "relax? I guess I can't talk to you... because no, it may not happen." I immediately start preparing myself for the worst in my head as I smile and say thank you. I start resenting the fact that you told me to relax. As if I am unable to in your eyes. I don't know why, but I guess I am trying to protect myself. I've been very relaxed in the past 18 months and tests show that it won't happen naturally. Understand that I am in a moment of the "unknown," hormonal on fertility drugs and you saying this to me could actually be hurtful.
2. Recommend or ask about adoption. If I wanted to adopt, we would not be putting ourselves through all of this in the first place. Asking about adoption feels as if you are trying to come up with a solution to a problem you know nothing about. It also makes me feel as though you don't think what I am doing is right or worth it. This in turn makes me not want to talk to you.
3. Oh god! All I have to do is look at my husband and I get pregnant. Congratulations! Here's your Mickey Mouse badge. Now please leave! I have a sneaking suspicion these woman KNOW how hurtful this comment is and they just don't care. This comment is worse the a sucker punch to the gut!
4. Complain about your own kids, or worse, offer one up as a joke. This has surprisingly happened to me more than I wish to admit. "Are you sure you are up for this?" is asked as their toddler climbs all over them. As if it is just so hard on them to be a mom. A MOM! WHAT I WANT TO BE. Now I get it, kids are hard. But remind yourself and refrain from complaining about being a mom around someone who is trying so hard to become one.
Offering to give the person one of your children as a joke is just awful and not funny to an IVF patient.
5. God has a plan. Just don’t! We can all find reason and lessons in the things that happen to us, but it’s not for anyone else to tell me. Unless you have a direct line to God and he told you, in his OWN words, his plan for me, then don’t tell me God has a plan. Tell me “this may make sense one day down the line,” because it may. But it also may not. It may just be a shitty few years J and I will have to write off as the dark infertility years.
Again, if you genuinely want to be there for us, we would love to hear any of these:
"I am here for you."
"If you ever want to vent, I am a listening ear."
"If you ever need someone to be there at an appointment, I would be happy to be there with you."
"I can't imagine what you are going through, but I'd love to hear all about it if you are ever up for it."
And actually be there! I find that I get ignored a lot. Infertility makes people uncomfortable so sometimes people don't ask how I'm doing or how I'm feeling or if I need anything simply because they're too uncomfortable to talk about the subject. If you have been chosen to know about our infertility struggles you have been chosen because you are special to us and we need you.
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