Heartbroken

One Monday, October 20th, we had our first frozen embryo transfer.  

We transferred one "normal" hatching embryo.

And the two week wait began.

I did everything to get this little one to implant;

*Acupuncture

*Moxa Stick

*Pineapple Core

*Brazil Nuts

*Warm foods and fluids

*Socks

*Pomegranate Juice

But it is with a heavy heart that I have to report that

this little one did not stick with us.

 It just sucks. 

Plain and simple.

I do not understand why this is happening to us.

Why do we have to be put through such a struggle

just to have ONE baby?

J & I want nothing more then to start a family.

We are left shaking our heads, trying

hard to accept the words "God has a plan" or

"It'll happen when the time is right."

Right now, those words are actually hurtful.

I don't understand why this path is being made so difficult for us.
I am a faithful person, but right now I just can't understand
why God is purposefully causing us so much heartache.

We are good people.

We are stable people.

So why is this so hard?

Why? Why? Why?

So now what?

You may be wondering what is in store for us next.

Well, unfortunately J & I want to take the second half of this

journey on a little more private route.

While we are super appreciative of all the love and support we have

received up to this point, we do not want to have the stress of updates

weighing on us during the time of the transfer and waiting to hear the outcome.

But I will tell you this...a transfer will happen in the coming months,

it just is looking like it's going to be later then we were hoping.

We will give an announcement when we feel it is the right time.

Until then, continued prayers and happy thoughts for us is always

greatly appreciated and well received.

 Fingers Crossed!

I plan to continue posting up info on IVF and all that goes with it.

Feel free to leave comments, questions and topics that you would like me to address.

And thank you to all of our friends and family for your amazing support.
I truly believe that it is because of all of your happy thoughts and prayers

that we have experienced a miracle.

:)

And the results are in...

The results of the PGS (genetic) testing are in on our two little fighters.

I was out getting a little retail therapy when the call came in from our nurse.

I answered the phone with my hands shaking, sending up one last little prayer for a miracle.

My nurse, Katie's bubbly voice responded when I said "hello." 

This has got to be a good sign, right?

In no time at all, she excited informed me that

BOTH embryos were perfectly NORMAL.

Oh! My! Goodness!

EEEEEEEEEEP!

I wanted to scream, cheer, burst into tears...

...but I was in the middle of Younkers.

I may have gotten a few concerned looks if I were to break out in a

Happy Dance at that moment.

Instead I put on the biggest grin and took off for my car to start making the

calls to all of our patiently waiting family members.

But first, the call to the hubby.

My text of "CALL ME RIGHT NOW" was well heard and

my phone immediately rang.

His response to me telling him of our miracle was, "I told you!"

Ha Ha Ha Ha

After the friends and family were all informed of our news,

I went back to shopping.

Of course.  :)

HUGS!

Day 6 Update

 Tuesday, September 23rd

Yet another day of not being able to focus on anything.  My mind was definitely elsewhere.

I had spent the last 12 hours with my fingers crossed, and sending happy thoughts

and prayers to our growing embryos.  The morning seemed to drag on forever.

I felt each tick of the second hand on the clock on our mantel. 

At 12:42pm my phone flashed up a call from SRM.

I nervously answered, only to hear my RE's voice on the other end.

My heart sank.

I knew before she even spoke another word that this was not going to be good news.

She went on to say that of the 6, only 2 had made it to testing and freeze...

but that they are "beautiful and already hatching."

My mind went fuzzy and I seemed to struggle with each word out of my mouth.

She knew our plan was to do another cycle if we ended with 2 or less blasts.

So we left it that I would call when my next menstrual cycle started.

I immediately broke down

After gaining composure...and once I could breath again...I called J.

Once again he was filled with questions and I really wasn't in the mood.

I wanted a miracle.

I didn't want to have to spend thousands again on another cycle.

I felt like such a failure.

He obliged, stopped asking questions and just said, "I love you."

I hung up and again starting crying uncontrollably.

After about 10 minutes J called back.  Now that it had a little time to set in,

I was able to talk.  He wanted to know if we still had options

with these two embryos.  I didn't know and gave him our RE's number.

Several minutes later, he called back and said,

"We are down, but not out,"

and that we would talk more when he got home from work.

Should we take a gamble on these two little embryos?

One round of PGS testing costs $2700 and it doesn't matter if you test

1 embryo or 8, the cost is the same.

Genetic testing, or PGS, does an analysis on the chromosomes.

It makes sure that all 46 chromosomes are paired up nice and neat.

It eliminates any embryos that are deemed "abnormal," including trisomy 21.

At my age, I have about a 45-50% chance of having a normal embryo

so PGS was definitely something we wanted to do.

If an abnormal embryo were to be transferred it would either

end in a miscarriage or a child with Down Syndrome.

So what would you do if you were in this position?

 

After J got home from work we had dinner and then had a long talk.

He drew it all out, which was good because we are both very visual people.

And in the end we both thought it made the most sense to roll the dice.

J emailed our RE and nurse to let them know that we wanted to

go ahead and have the samples tested.

It would take 3-4 days for the results to come back.

So the waiting game continues.....

Dday 5 Update

(Sorry I've been MIA and left you hanging...I'll do my best to catch up on what's been going on)

Monday, September 22nd

Yesterday, my dear hubby and I decided to take a drive up into the mountains to help take our minds off our little ones.  I wasn't feeling up to anything physical just yet, so a drive was perfect.  The smell of fresh air and the cool breeze on my face was exactly what I needed.

Monday was felt throughout the house....even our furbabies wanted to just lay around.  I just couldn't focus on anything long enough to even be productive. 

I called my nurse shortly after 11, but ended up having to leave a message.  Since I was on my way to an acupuncture appointment, I figured I would just see if one of the nurses there could give me an update.  As I was settling in and doing my best to get relaxed for my session, one of the nurses did pop in with an update.  She said that all 6 of our eggs were still growing, but none of them were at the stage they needed to be in order to do the testing and freeze. 

I immediately started to freak out (in my head of course).  Thousands of questions and scenarios started running through my mind.  Why are none of them at blasts yet, when there were a few ahead of schedule on Saturday?  Are they all going to arrest?  We are going to have to do another IVF cycle. :(  What's going on?  Why are they not to blasts yet?  Ugh!

I did my best to relax and meditate during the acupuncture sesh.  And when I was done, I looked to my phone only to have a missed calls and several texts messages from my hubby.  It seems he was a little anxious, too.  I informed him of the update and that we would talk more when he got home.  I knew that he would have tons of questions as well.  Questions to which I either didn't know the answers to or didn't want to answer at all.  I quietly drove home, doing my best to send happy thoughts and prayers to our little ones.  The next 24 hrs is going to be a hard one.